The Porter House

so I was home last week for my mom's surgery (hysterectomy), and watched this cheesetastic movie with hillary duff (a cinderalla story). despite it's cheesiness (which, is in keeping with the me of me), i was struck by the quote:

"NEVER LET THE FEAR OF FAILURE KEEP YOU OUT OF THE GAME."

later on that week, I had a major breakdown, during which my parents tried their darndest to convince me that i'm smart, that i'm not a phoney, that i can be in academia and thrive.

this all started in part because i've been avoiding chapter two (lit review) of my diss proposal. i've been avoiding it because i don't think i have anything to offer, say, critique, etc. i KNOW that's not true, but when i get in front of a computer, those thoughts begin to infiltrate my brain like uncontrollable internet virus on speed.

then my dad, in his typical wisdom, said,

"so, you're afraid to write because you're afraid of failing?"

ummm...yea dad, I guess I am. then i remembered the quote from the cheesemovie, and began to think...hmmmmm....signs????

what makes this stage of getting a phd so hard is that the stakes are HIGH. and for me, mediocrity is not an option. but when your fear of failure, of wanting to be brilliant, of writing (which is ummm, just a weebit important) transfers into opting out, it must be revisited.

where am i now? let's just say i'm revisiting...

so i'm doing my daily blogroll on google reader, and i come across this lookbook from nom de guerre, a fashion co that's fall lookbook is called "countdown to violence."

read a snippet on the inspiration here.

then look through the lookbook.






since i really want feedback before I give my opinion, please look through those link and share. thoughts??

"For women - poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence. It forms the quality of the light within which we predicate our hopes and dreams toward survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action. Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought. The farthest horizons of our hopes and fears are cobbled by our poems, carved from the rock experiences of our daily lives."

 Audre Lorde, "Poetry is not a Luxury", from Sister Outsider

since i don't have my computer (long story) right now, i can't upload this song (i'll come back later and do it), i'll just go ahead and recommend paying the $1 on itunes, it's well worth it.

Artist: Dvorak
Album: String Quartet No.1 in E Minor, From My Life
Track: III, Largo Sostenuto

put on some headphones, turn it all the way up, and just meditate on the song. i know(some) folks think that classical music is the dreads, but this song makes me tear up every time i hear it. it's sighs and gasps, and highs and lows. i love every moment of it.

what i've been working on. a literature map to help me sort my thoughts.