so I was home last week for my mom's surgery (hysterectomy), and watched this cheesetastic movie with hillary duff (a cinderalla story). despite it's cheesiness (which, is in keeping with the me of me), i was struck by the quote:
"NEVER LET THE FEAR OF FAILURE KEEP YOU OUT OF THE GAME."
later on that week, I had a major breakdown, during which my parents tried their darndest to convince me that i'm smart, that i'm not a phoney, that i can be in academia and thrive.
this all started in part because i've been avoiding chapter two (lit review) of my diss proposal. i've been avoiding it because i don't think i have anything to offer, say, critique, etc. i KNOW that's not true, but when i get in front of a computer, those thoughts begin to infiltrate my brain like uncontrollable internet virus on speed.
then my dad, in his typical wisdom, said,
"so, you're afraid to write because you're afraid of failing?"ummm...yea dad, I guess I am. then i remembered the quote from the cheesemovie, and began to think...hmmmmm....signs????
what makes this stage of getting a phd so hard is that the stakes are HIGH. and for me, mediocrity is not an option. but when your fear of failure, of wanting to be brilliant, of writing (which is ummm, just a weebit important) transfers into opting out, it must be revisited.
where am i now? let's just say i'm revisiting...
1 comments:
i know essssactly what you mean, Porter! If we continue to fear failing we will never, ever learn, grow, evolve. How does one truly learn or achieve their heart's desire with the fear of failure strapped to your back?! there is no way we can!!
its good to be revisiting. just know that you are worthy, smart, brilliant, and you belong in academia!!
a friend told me on friday, that she received good advice from her friend, four simple words: "I am not the institution." She was referring to the ways we internalize the isms that the ivory tower uses to silence, denigrate, and isolate us. But you are WORTHY! And you will not let the institution WIN.
i have been going through it..have not been able to write about it yet. but i know essactly what you mean by the fear of failure sitting, simmering, and paralyzing you... its no joke!
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